| Aviation Humour - ATC Funnies (1) |
ATC: Alitalia 345 continue taxi holding position 26 South via Tango check for workers along taxiway  ARN851: "Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15." Halifax Terminal (female): "Nova 851 Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06." (busy) Moncton Center: "Speedbird 169 cleared direct Chibougamau" BAW169: "I'm sorry, sir, can you repeat that?" CZQM: "Speedbird 169 cleared direct Yankee Mike Tango" BAW169: "Direct Yankee Mike Tango for Speedbird 169. What was that name again?" CZQM: "It's called Chibougamau" BAW169: "Would you say again, please?" CZQM: "Chibougamau. I say again, Chibougamau!" BAW169: "Oh, how quaint. What does it mean?" CZQM: "It's eskimo for f--- off!" ACA1147: "Moncton, Air Canada 1147, can you get the winds from 167 above us?" CZQM: "As soon as I get a chance, I will." (some time passes with continuous radio chatter) ACA1147: "Moncton, 1147, what are his winds up there?" CZQM: "Standby for that, please" (more radio chatter) ACA1147: "Moncton, can you ask company 167 for his winds?" CZQM: "Ok, 1147 and 167, I have a little too much to do for that sort of thing right now. I'll leave it up to you guys to go over to company frequency and pass winds." Aurora: "Moncton, TRIALS08, we'll be working VFR at 4,500, loitering over the city of Saint John for about the next 10-15 minutes. We'd like radar flight following." CZQM: "TRIALS08, roger, you're radar identified. Are you aware the city has bylaws against loitering?" Aurora: "Ah... roger that" (check the callsign of the answering aircraft) CZQM: "Nova 895 contact Moncton on 127.12" ARN871: "Over to 127.12, for Nova 871. We'll talk to you later." CZQM: "Maybe sooner than you think." (a few seconds pass...) ARN871: "Uh, Moncton, they didn't want to talk to us on 127.12..." CZQM: "See what I mean?" Lost student pilot: "Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself." NY Ctr: "Federal Express 235, descend, maintain three one zero, expect lower in ten miles." FedEx 235: "Okay, outta three five for three one oh, FedEx two thirty-five." NY Ctr: "Delta fahv twuntee, climb one ninah zeruh, dat'll be finah..." Delta 520: "Uhh... up to one niner zero, Delta five twenty." NY Ctr: "Al-italia wonna sixxa, you slowa to two-a-fifty, please." Alitalia 16: "HEY! You makea funna Alitalia?!" NY Ctr: "Oh, no! I make-a funna Delta anna FedEx!" Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not? Pilot: Yes. Tower: Yes what?? Pilot: Yes, SIR Cont: "AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots." Pilot: "Rogo', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fer ya." Cont: (a few moments later): "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 1 1/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots." Pilot: "AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots" Cont: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots" Pilot (a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?" Cont: "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you." Tower: 95 Delta, do you read the tower? 95D: 675, sir Tower: 95 Delta, Say Again 95D: I think it is 675. Tower: 95 Delta, What do you mean by 675? 95D: I mean I think I read "Elevation 675 feet" on the tower as I taxied by for takeoff, but I am too far away to read it now. Tower: 95 Delta, you are cleared to land. Please give the tower a call ON THE TELEPHONE after you have tied down. PAO Twr: "Mooney 23D, traffic is a Cherokee just entering downwind from the left 45." Mooney 23D: "Uhhh, tower, 23D...only traffic I see is a Cessna." (pause) PAO Twr: "Mooney 23D, follow your traffic directly ahead, an, um, inverted Cherokee just abeam the numbers." :) Tomahawk: "F-XAA is final 29, touch and go." Tower: "XAA is cleared touch and go, 29". (several long circuits later) Tomahawk: "F-XAA is final 29, touch and go" Tower: "F-XAA is cleared touch and go, 29. How many more circuits were you planning on making?" Tomahawk: "We though we'd make one or two more." Tower: "Roger. I just wondered because we were calculating your landing fees, and you're up to $13,000 now." (long delay) Tomahawk: "THAT WAS OUR LAST ONE!!!!!" (another long delay) Tower: "Just kidding. Next time, read your flight supplement." 7MA: Cessna 187MA is 5 NE, landing, with the numbers. HYA: Roger 7MA, make straight-in runway 22. Say type landing. 7MA: We're a Cessna 182. HYA: Negative, say *type* landing. 7MA: Uh, 7MA is a Cessna 182 slant Uniform. HYA: 7MA, I say again, say **type** landing. 7MA: (Silence) A good one I hope. Control: You're unreadable, say again. Motor-glider: I've turned off the engine, is that better? Control: (looong pause) ATC: "Cessna G-ARER What are your intentions? " Cessna: "To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating." ATC: "I meant in the next five minutes not years." Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman. Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship. Controller: oooohhh! You have traffic! Controller: "Speedbird 12, are you a heading?" Pilot: "We are always a heading." Korean Air 1234 : "Please say runway and brake situation". Auckland Tower : "Previously landed Beech twin prop reported half an inch of standing water on runway, no report on braking effectiveness as brakes not required". Korean Air 1234 : "Ehhh... Say again...". Auckland Tower : "Previously landed aircraft says did not need to use brakes, ten to fifteen millimeter deep water on runway". Korean Air 1234 : "Ah ! Thank you !". O'Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain speed 250 knots. USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed? O'Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can. USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control. ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH 1019. Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches? ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH 1019 Cessna 152: "Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred" Controller: "Roger, contact Houston Space Center" 727 pilot: "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?" Controller: "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth." Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747. ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry. Student Pilot: "I'm lost; I'm over a lake and heading toward the big E." Controller: "Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar." (short pause)... Controller: "Okay then. That lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to the big W immediately ..." Pilot: "Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME." Approach: "Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'." Pilot: "Approach, 202's unable that descent rate." Approach: "What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?" Pilot: "Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours." Tower: "...and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centerline on that approach." Speedbird: "That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right" A deer is on the runway... so... Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off. Student: "What should I do? What should I do?" Inst: "What do you think you should do?" (think-think-think) Std: "Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away." Inst: "That's a good idea." (Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.) Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN. Std: "Maybe I should tell the tower." Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to departure...by the way as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "National 63 cleared for takeoff...did you copy the report from Eastern?" National 63: "Roger, Tower, cleared for takeoff... yes, we've already notified our caterers." Controller: "USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.60. (pause) Controller: "USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!" (pause) Controller: "USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!" Pilot: "Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!" Pilot: "Approach, Federated 303's with at 8000' for vectors ILS, full stop. Approach: "Unable Federated 303. The ILS is out of service." Pilot: "We'll take the VOR then." Approach: "Sir, the VOR's in alarm right now. Standby." Pilot: "OK, guess it'll have to be the ADF then." Approach: "303, unable the ADF right now for traffic saturation." Pilot: "OK, approach. State my intentions." Sources: Various e-mails, posts as well as the Fliegermagazin "Rodscher" Column. |
|
|
|